Prologue.....

In the city of Boston there is a prestigious building. Within this building, drones work tirelessly to produce content meant to educate the general public. Content, shows, programs that are meant to open the eyes and feed the minds of whoever sees it...reads it...listens to it. And tirelessly the drones worked on in hopes of reaching the masses and satisfying its thirst for knowledge!

Once upon a time, the drones worked with pride...tirelessly...always tirelessly.

But as the landscape of the nation change... so did the focus of the public.

The public for whom the drones worked to satisfy no longer yearned for ABCs...or Physics...or History... or the tales of the peoples of far away lands.... in the modern age, the public yearned for something else entirely different. Who was voted off the island? Who did the bachelor pick to be his bride? Who sang until their throats were raw in hopes the public would vote for them to sing again another day?

And still the drones worked tirelessly....

And as the landscape continued to change....so did life in the prestigious building. New faces, strangers to the land of public broadcasting, took the lead in the executive offices. Before long, the drones heard dreaded words that shook them to their individual cores... furlough... lay-off... downsizing... restructuring... change.

And from these seeds of discontent, Tampon Girl arose!

I BELONG TO A SECRET SOCIETY!!

Due to reasons beyond our control, we have been forced underground.  Our traditions are squirreled away from the public and our beliefs are kept to ourselves for fear of prosecution.  We appear just like everyone else, we work with you, our children go to school with yours, and we stand behind you at the supermarket.  And when we recognize one of our own, we greet each other secretly, we whisper our secret message softly so as not to attract attention…we make sure we are in a safe location away from prying judgmental eyes and we whisper…. 

Merry Christmas!

Yes, it’s true, I admit it…. I am a Christian!  I know! It’s shocking!!  I’m the last person you’d suspect as being a Christian.  I love to swear…and I do it quite well.  When I get going, I can whip up such a stitch of profanity that sailors blush!  I love a good martini!  Gin, Straight up (no ice), two olives!  I haven’t seen the inside of a church in God knows how long, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t believe in Jesus.

I don’t belong to any particular church.  I was born Catholic, but to be honest, the Catholic Church and I have gone our separate ways for a variety of reason including that Sunday Mass is a huge snooze-fest that I get absolutely nothing out of unless of course it’s the Spanish Mass at St. Ambrose because the choir is awesome and the walls vibrate from everyone singing.  (However, if regular Mass works for you…God bless.)

I don’t go to church; I don’t beat the bible and make it the centerpiece of every conversation.  However, I try to live my life according to what Jesus taught those of us in our secret society.  Treat others as you would want to be treated.  Be charitable.  Be compassionate.  Let others simply be…  I try my best, I admit sometimes I screw up, but I keep on trying.  Most people, I like to think, believe that although I can be brash and loud, I’m a nice person.

I don’t think it’s a bad way to live.

But here’s the thing…apparently my beliefs are so offensive that I am asked to say Happy Holidays so I don’t hurt anyone’s feelings.  Why do I have to celebrate in secret?  Why can’t we ALL celebrate ALL our faiths out in the open and just enjoy the diversity?

That seems like a lot more fun.

I’d like to point out a fact.  Christmas is about Christ…that why “Christ” is in the word “Christmas!”  Kind of funny how that works out, huh…. And for the record it has never been, nor should it continue to be Xmas...that's for people too lazy to write out the entire word.

Christmas is about celebrating the birth of a very special child.  It’s about taking a leap of faith.  It’s about celebrating this day with the people you love and wishing them the best.

It’s not about Santa Clause.  It’s not about shopping.  It’s not about racking up 5 months of bills! 

When I see all the commercials and see the people going bananas buying everything in sight….and completely missing the point…it makes my stomach turn.   It is an absolute perversion of the true meaning of Christmas.

Instead of manger scenes, we have a fat guy in a red suit and fictitious reindeer.  Instead of angels, we have elves.  Instead of "Little Drummer Boy" we have "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause," easily one of the irritating songs ever!  And before anyone stands up to defend “Santa” let me remind you what a jerk he was to Rudolph!  He used him for his red nose for one Christmas and then we never hear of him again…I find him a poor representative for Christmas based on his inferior moral fiber.

So while you are walking around your winter wonderland this holiday season, taking in the sanitized, unreligious, secular holiday decorations…while you are thinking, “Wow…how utterly fair and inoffensive to everyone” I would like to point out one thing.

ITS OFFENSIVE TO ME!

Merry Christmas!

It's Getting Swiney Up In Here....

My daughter has the flu....I am going to assume it is H1N1.  After all, my ex-mother-in-law has told me repeatedly, over and over again, on several occasions, time and time again, that the seasonal flu has not hit yet.  So if a child has flu symptoms, it's probably H1N1.

I am so bothered by this for so many different reasons.

I took her to the doctor for her yearly physical on Thursday.  She got a clean bill of health.  The doctor said she was in tip top shape.  When I called I said I wanted her to get the flu shot...this would be for the regular seasonal flu, not the new and improved flu, version 2.0, better known as the swine flu. I was told it would not be a problem.  The woman on the other end of the phone did not ask me if my daughter had asthma.  All they had left was the nasal spray.  If you have asthma, you cannot take the spray, you need the shot.  And MGH is out of shots.

Fine, whatever, we'll just wash our hands a lot and keep calling to see when another shipment will come in.

However, she comes home and she says her throat is scratchy...next comes the cough...she wakes up the next morning with a headache...she is sooo tired...she has the flu.

The thing that I hate about this flu is that it screws with your head.  First the kid is sick...then they feel better...then they are sick again...then the fever is gone...then the next morning its back with a vengence...its gone...then its back. 

Another thing that I hate is that I am doing this alone.  The ex-husband calls and checks in for a whopping 5 minutes, but that's it.  I have to deal with getting her to take her medicine, to making sure she is taking in liquids, taking her temp and deciding whether or not I can go to work today or not.

Didn't go to work today, her fever was very low, but I figured better safe than sorry.  Her fever shot up again to 103.3 half an hour ago.  And I have to go to work tomorrow.  Does the ex-husband have to face these issues?  Nooooo...he's off "rebuilding" his life with the new girlfriend.  Keep in mind he has been "rebuilding" for the better part of 6 years!

I cannot believe the fever is back!!!  ARGH!!

Yet another thing that enrages me is all the information on the internet.  I typed in H1N1 treatment...all these websites pop up, they claim to have info on treating H1N1...they list the vaccine as a treatment! 

Where do you get this magic vaccine?!

In the state of Massachusetts, the first batch of this vaccine went to prison inmates.  Normally, I am a left wing, bleeding heart liberal.  Not this time, I had never sounded so Republican in my life that when the following thoughts crossed my mind, I wondered if I had been possessed by the ghost of a GOP member!

There is a vaccine out there that could have prevented my kid from getting this flu that is quite frankly kicking my ass and its going to prison inmates first?!?  Why are their lives more important than my daughter's life?  My kid never killed anyone!  She never hurt anyone!  But we're giving the vaccine to Johnny Rapist first?  Does this seem wrong to anyone else?

Ugh!  I am sooo frustrated!  And I am so tired!  And I have to go to work! And the fever is not going away!  And just when I thought she was getting better, she gets worse!  And people who do not raise my child or have no background in medicine or patient care are under the impression that I am dying to hear their opinion on what I should do!

I can't wait for flu season to be over...or for everyone with an opinion on what I should do to find a new target.

I CONTROL THE CHOCOLATE MILK!

Many years ago, I was cradling my little pink baby.  As I studied and took in her absolute perfection, I thought to myself, "Wow...I'm going to screw her up."

I came to that conclusion after contemplating my need to be the best mommy I could be.  And how my mom tried to be the best mom she could be.  And no matter how hard I try or what I do, she will eventually end up on a therapists couch, blaming me for something. 

My mom was always smothering me...or My mom didn't care about me....or My mom tried to be my best friend when what I needed was a mother...or My mom was to neat...or messy...or strict...or lax.  No matter what I do...she's screwed.

So I figured I should have fun with it.  And then my pink baby spit up on me.

GAME ON!

Just like last summer, my daughter is spending her days at summer camp.  Every morning we go to the day camp location and I walk her to a big tent...it kind of looks like a banquet tent and I sign her in.  And then I walk her down a gravel path to a smaller tent.  This second tent serves as a home room.

So I sign her in like I do every day.  And we start to walk towards the gravel path and she stops.  She turns to me and says, "Mommy, you don't have to walk me, I can go by myself."

I swear that I could hear my heart crack and split in two.  My God, I knew this day would come...she is starting to pull away from me.

"Are you sure, Mommy can walk you the rest of the way...it's ok."

"No..I can go by myself."

I tried so hard to hide the heartbreak and desperation in my voice, "Are you sure?"

"Yep, I'm good."

She's good?!?  What the hell is that?!

I lean down to give her a hug and kiss like a do every morning...and she pulls away!!

"MOM!" she says under her voice like I just did something gross like pick my butt in front of her friends.

And off she went. 

And then I heard the voice in my head..."What the hell!!  She can't even give you a hug and kiss?!  Get a hold of this situation NOW!! YOU CONTROL THE CHOCOLATE MILK IN THIS RELATIONSHIP!! Get a hold of this situation and handle it!!"

I didn't know what to do, she was walking away!

She was about 30...40 feet away and I took a deep breath and yelled out:

"TREENIE PANINI!!"

She stopped dead in her tracks...dropped and shook her head.

"HAVE A GOOD DAY SWEET HEART!!"

"MOMMY LOVES YOU!!"

"MAKE SMART CHOICES!!!"

She turned to me and mouthed very clearly "I hate you!" to which I replied:

"I LOVE YOU TOO!!"

I think I made my point.

Later that evening we had a chat about mommy's little display of affection.

"WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!?"

"I DID THAT BECAUSE YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND THAT I CONTROL THE CHOCOLATE MILK!!!"

"WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN!!"

"IT MEANS I AM THE MOMMY AND YOU ARE THE CHILD AND THAT IS THE END OF THE STORY!!"

After some more discussion, I made an offer to end the little stalemate we found ourselves in.  Every morning I get my hug and kiss and she can then walk to her tent alone.  At first she didn't think it was a good deal.  But then I said I could always show up at camp and show her friends her naked baby pictures.  She soon saw my point of view and we settled on my offer.

So every morning I get my hug and kiss...she walks the path alone...and I control the chocolate milk.

A Gas Grill A BBQ Does Not Make!

This is an issue that really bothers me and I feel that I can no longer hold it in...my friends, I must speak!

COOKING ON A GAS GRILL DOES NOT COUNT AS A BBQ!! 
AAAAARRRGGGGHHHH!!

Oh my God, it felt good to get that off my chest!

Yesterday I went to a BBQ at my friend's house.  It was good to get out of the house and go have grown up time without the offspring.  Don't get me wrong, I love my child but she can be a pain in the ass!

"I'm bored...when are we leaving...how much longer are we going to stay...I'm bored...the battery in my DS died...did I mention I'm bored?"

But luckily the offspring was at a slumber party and mom got to hang out with friends in the "over 30" group!

My friend's put out quite the spread! And best of all, it was grilled on a Webber with charcoal briquettes! 

I remember watching my dad load up our Webber with the charcoal...he used to let me douse the briquettes with lighter fluid.  The biggest thrill I got was when he let me light them myself for the first time...and it only took two months for my eyebrows to grow back!  Kidding! But it was something my dad and I got to do together.

I remember he and the other dad's would talk about the right way to stack the briquette's...should they be laid out flat or should you stack them in a pyramid.  I believe it should be in a pyramid.

And just like yesterday's bbq...the food would taste sooo good!  There is just something about the way food tastes when it is off a charcoal grill.  You don't get the same taste from a gas grill.

I don't like gas grills!  They are boushy! 

That's right! I said it! 

They're boushy!!

Not everyone can afford a big ol' propane gas grill and pay extra for an engineer to put the stupid thing together so that it doesn't blow up in your face and burn down your house.  However, you can buy a little hibachi for a couple of bucks to grill up some dogs and burgers.

And a gas grill is nothing more than a glorified stove top!  You spent $300 on something that could do the job of a stove top and a special pan...and you look foolish as you impress everyone by turning the knob on your big ol grill..a knob that looks a lot like the ones on the stove.

And the food tastes like it would if it came off the stove.  Not that that's a bad thing...but its just not special.  If you're going to go through the effort of grilling the payoff should be in the way the food tastes.

A gas grill is not gilling...it's just cooking...outside!

I was at the supermarket today saw that one of these babies was for sale:


A Kingsford Barrel Grill...isn't it beautiful?  And if I ever have a house (not a condo) with a yard...I'm getting one of these and I'm having a big ol' Barbecue!!!

A Tribute to Ghetto Pizza

Every generation hopes that the one after them has it easier than they did.  Everyone hopes that their own children will do better than they did.

And I look at my daughter, she has it pretty good.

She has a dog.  I never had a dog.  She goes to a lovely little school in suburbia.  Not me.  I lived in the city. My daughter gets bored, she has over 100 channels to choose from, plus a slew of "On Demand" movies and programs.  I had to use my imagination.

But there are things that I did and experienced that my daughter has not, and I think its kind of sad.  My daughter has never known the joys of watching the big kids pop a fire hydrant and then jumping around in the water in what can only be described as unbridled joy.

My daughter has never hopped a fence.  She's never needed to.

My daughter has never played in the middle of the street.  I remember playing kick ball in the street.  Not the sidewalk, but the street.  And it was always someone's job to yell "Car!"  And we would get out of the way...and when they passed by...it was back out onto the street.  I could never let my kid play out in the street now!
 
I remember my sister in law was having a hard time with my niece one day.  Much like now, the economy was really bad and no one had any money.  And it was worse for my brother and his wife.  They were recent immigrants with a young child.  (We have different moms and he was raised in El Salvador.)

On that particular day in the 80's...my niece was driving her poor mom up the wall by repeatedly asking for pizza.  She wanted pizza so bad.  But her mom hadn't gotten paid yet and had NO MONEY.  And its humiliating to not have any money when your kid wants something.  I'll be the first to admit that I've been there.  After all, I was driving a big ol' Jeep not long ago when gas was over $4 a gallon!

At one point I swear this woman was near tears as my niece fired off a steady stream of "Can we get pizza?"

I took my niece into the kitchen.  And I made her a snack that I had invented 10 years earlier when I was her age.  My niece and I are 10 years apart in age.  While my neice was a small child during the recession in the 80s.  I was a small child in the recession in the 70s. 

So I decided to share with her a wonderful snack I invented as a child when my mom did not have money for pizza.  I took a piece of Wonderbread.  I slathered a layer of ketchup on it.  I sprinkled the ketchup with dried oregano, basil and some pepper.  Then I blanketed it with a layer of American cheese.  It may have been government cheese, but I can't remember. 

And into the toaster it when,  and when it came out my greedy crumb snatcher little niece scarfed the whole thing down!  And the begging for pizza was over.  She had come to love my creation...Ghetto Pizza.

My daughter on the other had has not known the joys of ghetto pizza.  She's never really had to experience the need for ghetto pizza.  I've been lucky enough to have a few bucks lying around to get a small pizza from time to time.  And I wonder if I'm doing my daughter a disservice by giving her all that I didn't have.  At the risk of sounding cocky...will she be as resilient as I am?  Will she know humility?  Will she know to make the best of it when you don't have a lot?  That's what I learned when I ate ghetto pizza.

I wonder if she'd even eat it?  I wonder if she'd look down her nose at it?  I think I'm going to see if we have any white bread and ketchup!

Mmmmmm....toasty!

My Bail is $695.50!!!

This is HILARIOUS! Just read the 'offense' and if you've done it, you owe that fine. Keep going until you've read each 'offense' and added up your total fine. Title your blog 'My Bail is $........'you dont have to Confess your answers, just write the amount of your fine

1) Smoked pot -- $10

2) Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk --$50

3) Cheated on your significant other -- $10

4) Been in love with two people or more at the same time -- $50

5) Said you love someone but didn't mean it -- $25

6) Went streaking -- $5

7) Went streaking in broad daylight -- $15

8) Kissed a co-worker-- $ 20

9)Kissed your boss --$50

10) Been arrested -- $5

11) Spent time in jail -- $15

12) Peed in the pool -- $0.50

13) Played spin the bottle -- $5

14) Done something you regret -- $20

15) Slept with your best friend >-- $20

16) Been in love with a stripper -- $20

17) Went skinny dipping -- $5

18) Been slapped-- $5

19) Slapped someone-- $5

20) Beat up someone -- $20

21) Been jumped -- $10

22) Ever had sex at church -- $25

23) Dated someone you met on My Space -- $25

24) Cheated on test -- $50

25) Vandalized something -- $20

26) Slept with someone in your parents' bed -- $100

27) Crossed dressed -- $10

28) Given money to stripper -- $25

29) Flirted with an officer to get out of a ticket-- $30

30) Been in love with a stripper -- $20

31) Kissed some one who's name you didn't know --$10

32) Hit on some one of the same sex while at work-- $15

33) Ever drive drunk -- $20

34) Used toys while having sex -- $30

35) Got drunk, passed out and don't remember the night before -- $20

36) Had sex in a pool -- $20

37) Masturbated -- $10

38) Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend --$20

39) Done oral -- $5

40) Got oral -- $5

41) Done / got oral in a car while it was moving-- $25

42) Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you-- $40

43) Stole something -- $10

44) Slept with someone who has been in jail -- $25

45) Made a dirty home video -- $15

46) Plan on making a dirty home video in the near future --$30

47) Had a threesome -- $50

48) Had sex in a public place-- $20

49) Been in the same room while someone was having sex -- $25

50) Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars --$20

51) Had sex with someone 10 years older -- $20

52) Kissed a teacher while you were still a student--$25

53) Lied to your mate -- $5

54) Lied to your mate about the sex being good -- $25

OK , now tally up your answers, then, copy paste this into your blog.  In the title of your post put your 'My Bail Is... (your total)