It's Getting Swiney Up In Here....

My daughter has the flu....I am going to assume it is H1N1.  After all, my ex-mother-in-law has told me repeatedly, over and over again, on several occasions, time and time again, that the seasonal flu has not hit yet.  So if a child has flu symptoms, it's probably H1N1.

I am so bothered by this for so many different reasons.

I took her to the doctor for her yearly physical on Thursday.  She got a clean bill of health.  The doctor said she was in tip top shape.  When I called I said I wanted her to get the flu shot...this would be for the regular seasonal flu, not the new and improved flu, version 2.0, better known as the swine flu. I was told it would not be a problem.  The woman on the other end of the phone did not ask me if my daughter had asthma.  All they had left was the nasal spray.  If you have asthma, you cannot take the spray, you need the shot.  And MGH is out of shots.

Fine, whatever, we'll just wash our hands a lot and keep calling to see when another shipment will come in.

However, she comes home and she says her throat is scratchy...next comes the cough...she wakes up the next morning with a headache...she is sooo tired...she has the flu.

The thing that I hate about this flu is that it screws with your head.  First the kid is sick...then they feel better...then they are sick again...then the fever is gone...then the next morning its back with a vengence...its gone...then its back. 

Another thing that I hate is that I am doing this alone.  The ex-husband calls and checks in for a whopping 5 minutes, but that's it.  I have to deal with getting her to take her medicine, to making sure she is taking in liquids, taking her temp and deciding whether or not I can go to work today or not.

Didn't go to work today, her fever was very low, but I figured better safe than sorry.  Her fever shot up again to 103.3 half an hour ago.  And I have to go to work tomorrow.  Does the ex-husband have to face these issues?  Nooooo...he's off "rebuilding" his life with the new girlfriend.  Keep in mind he has been "rebuilding" for the better part of 6 years!

I cannot believe the fever is back!!!  ARGH!!

Yet another thing that enrages me is all the information on the internet.  I typed in H1N1 treatment...all these websites pop up, they claim to have info on treating H1N1...they list the vaccine as a treatment! 

Where do you get this magic vaccine?!

In the state of Massachusetts, the first batch of this vaccine went to prison inmates.  Normally, I am a left wing, bleeding heart liberal.  Not this time, I had never sounded so Republican in my life that when the following thoughts crossed my mind, I wondered if I had been possessed by the ghost of a GOP member!

There is a vaccine out there that could have prevented my kid from getting this flu that is quite frankly kicking my ass and its going to prison inmates first?!?  Why are their lives more important than my daughter's life?  My kid never killed anyone!  She never hurt anyone!  But we're giving the vaccine to Johnny Rapist first?  Does this seem wrong to anyone else?

Ugh!  I am sooo frustrated!  And I am so tired!  And I have to go to work! And the fever is not going away!  And just when I thought she was getting better, she gets worse!  And people who do not raise my child or have no background in medicine or patient care are under the impression that I am dying to hear their opinion on what I should do!

I can't wait for flu season to be over...or for everyone with an opinion on what I should do to find a new target.

I CONTROL THE CHOCOLATE MILK!

Many years ago, I was cradling my little pink baby.  As I studied and took in her absolute perfection, I thought to myself, "Wow...I'm going to screw her up."

I came to that conclusion after contemplating my need to be the best mommy I could be.  And how my mom tried to be the best mom she could be.  And no matter how hard I try or what I do, she will eventually end up on a therapists couch, blaming me for something. 

My mom was always smothering me...or My mom didn't care about me....or My mom tried to be my best friend when what I needed was a mother...or My mom was to neat...or messy...or strict...or lax.  No matter what I do...she's screwed.

So I figured I should have fun with it.  And then my pink baby spit up on me.

GAME ON!

Just like last summer, my daughter is spending her days at summer camp.  Every morning we go to the day camp location and I walk her to a big tent...it kind of looks like a banquet tent and I sign her in.  And then I walk her down a gravel path to a smaller tent.  This second tent serves as a home room.

So I sign her in like I do every day.  And we start to walk towards the gravel path and she stops.  She turns to me and says, "Mommy, you don't have to walk me, I can go by myself."

I swear that I could hear my heart crack and split in two.  My God, I knew this day would come...she is starting to pull away from me.

"Are you sure, Mommy can walk you the rest of the way...it's ok."

"No..I can go by myself."

I tried so hard to hide the heartbreak and desperation in my voice, "Are you sure?"

"Yep, I'm good."

She's good?!?  What the hell is that?!

I lean down to give her a hug and kiss like a do every morning...and she pulls away!!

"MOM!" she says under her voice like I just did something gross like pick my butt in front of her friends.

And off she went. 

And then I heard the voice in my head..."What the hell!!  She can't even give you a hug and kiss?!  Get a hold of this situation NOW!! YOU CONTROL THE CHOCOLATE MILK IN THIS RELATIONSHIP!! Get a hold of this situation and handle it!!"

I didn't know what to do, she was walking away!

She was about 30...40 feet away and I took a deep breath and yelled out:

"TREENIE PANINI!!"

She stopped dead in her tracks...dropped and shook her head.

"HAVE A GOOD DAY SWEET HEART!!"

"MOMMY LOVES YOU!!"

"MAKE SMART CHOICES!!!"

She turned to me and mouthed very clearly "I hate you!" to which I replied:

"I LOVE YOU TOO!!"

I think I made my point.

Later that evening we had a chat about mommy's little display of affection.

"WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!?"

"I DID THAT BECAUSE YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND THAT I CONTROL THE CHOCOLATE MILK!!!"

"WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN!!"

"IT MEANS I AM THE MOMMY AND YOU ARE THE CHILD AND THAT IS THE END OF THE STORY!!"

After some more discussion, I made an offer to end the little stalemate we found ourselves in.  Every morning I get my hug and kiss and she can then walk to her tent alone.  At first she didn't think it was a good deal.  But then I said I could always show up at camp and show her friends her naked baby pictures.  She soon saw my point of view and we settled on my offer.

So every morning I get my hug and kiss...she walks the path alone...and I control the chocolate milk.

A Gas Grill A BBQ Does Not Make!

This is an issue that really bothers me and I feel that I can no longer hold it in...my friends, I must speak!

COOKING ON A GAS GRILL DOES NOT COUNT AS A BBQ!! 
AAAAARRRGGGGHHHH!!

Oh my God, it felt good to get that off my chest!

Yesterday I went to a BBQ at my friend's house.  It was good to get out of the house and go have grown up time without the offspring.  Don't get me wrong, I love my child but she can be a pain in the ass!

"I'm bored...when are we leaving...how much longer are we going to stay...I'm bored...the battery in my DS died...did I mention I'm bored?"

But luckily the offspring was at a slumber party and mom got to hang out with friends in the "over 30" group!

My friend's put out quite the spread! And best of all, it was grilled on a Webber with charcoal briquettes! 

I remember watching my dad load up our Webber with the charcoal...he used to let me douse the briquettes with lighter fluid.  The biggest thrill I got was when he let me light them myself for the first time...and it only took two months for my eyebrows to grow back!  Kidding! But it was something my dad and I got to do together.

I remember he and the other dad's would talk about the right way to stack the briquette's...should they be laid out flat or should you stack them in a pyramid.  I believe it should be in a pyramid.

And just like yesterday's bbq...the food would taste sooo good!  There is just something about the way food tastes when it is off a charcoal grill.  You don't get the same taste from a gas grill.

I don't like gas grills!  They are boushy! 

That's right! I said it! 

They're boushy!!

Not everyone can afford a big ol' propane gas grill and pay extra for an engineer to put the stupid thing together so that it doesn't blow up in your face and burn down your house.  However, you can buy a little hibachi for a couple of bucks to grill up some dogs and burgers.

And a gas grill is nothing more than a glorified stove top!  You spent $300 on something that could do the job of a stove top and a special pan...and you look foolish as you impress everyone by turning the knob on your big ol grill..a knob that looks a lot like the ones on the stove.

And the food tastes like it would if it came off the stove.  Not that that's a bad thing...but its just not special.  If you're going to go through the effort of grilling the payoff should be in the way the food tastes.

A gas grill is not gilling...it's just cooking...outside!

I was at the supermarket today saw that one of these babies was for sale:


A Kingsford Barrel Grill...isn't it beautiful?  And if I ever have a house (not a condo) with a yard...I'm getting one of these and I'm having a big ol' Barbecue!!!

A Tribute to Ghetto Pizza

Every generation hopes that the one after them has it easier than they did.  Everyone hopes that their own children will do better than they did.

And I look at my daughter, she has it pretty good.

She has a dog.  I never had a dog.  She goes to a lovely little school in suburbia.  Not me.  I lived in the city. My daughter gets bored, she has over 100 channels to choose from, plus a slew of "On Demand" movies and programs.  I had to use my imagination.

But there are things that I did and experienced that my daughter has not, and I think its kind of sad.  My daughter has never known the joys of watching the big kids pop a fire hydrant and then jumping around in the water in what can only be described as unbridled joy.

My daughter has never hopped a fence.  She's never needed to.

My daughter has never played in the middle of the street.  I remember playing kick ball in the street.  Not the sidewalk, but the street.  And it was always someone's job to yell "Car!"  And we would get out of the way...and when they passed by...it was back out onto the street.  I could never let my kid play out in the street now!
 
I remember my sister in law was having a hard time with my niece one day.  Much like now, the economy was really bad and no one had any money.  And it was worse for my brother and his wife.  They were recent immigrants with a young child.  (We have different moms and he was raised in El Salvador.)

On that particular day in the 80's...my niece was driving her poor mom up the wall by repeatedly asking for pizza.  She wanted pizza so bad.  But her mom hadn't gotten paid yet and had NO MONEY.  And its humiliating to not have any money when your kid wants something.  I'll be the first to admit that I've been there.  After all, I was driving a big ol' Jeep not long ago when gas was over $4 a gallon!

At one point I swear this woman was near tears as my niece fired off a steady stream of "Can we get pizza?"

I took my niece into the kitchen.  And I made her a snack that I had invented 10 years earlier when I was her age.  My niece and I are 10 years apart in age.  While my neice was a small child during the recession in the 80s.  I was a small child in the recession in the 70s. 

So I decided to share with her a wonderful snack I invented as a child when my mom did not have money for pizza.  I took a piece of Wonderbread.  I slathered a layer of ketchup on it.  I sprinkled the ketchup with dried oregano, basil and some pepper.  Then I blanketed it with a layer of American cheese.  It may have been government cheese, but I can't remember. 

And into the toaster it when,  and when it came out my greedy crumb snatcher little niece scarfed the whole thing down!  And the begging for pizza was over.  She had come to love my creation...Ghetto Pizza.

My daughter on the other had has not known the joys of ghetto pizza.  She's never really had to experience the need for ghetto pizza.  I've been lucky enough to have a few bucks lying around to get a small pizza from time to time.  And I wonder if I'm doing my daughter a disservice by giving her all that I didn't have.  At the risk of sounding cocky...will she be as resilient as I am?  Will she know humility?  Will she know to make the best of it when you don't have a lot?  That's what I learned when I ate ghetto pizza.

I wonder if she'd even eat it?  I wonder if she'd look down her nose at it?  I think I'm going to see if we have any white bread and ketchup!

Mmmmmm....toasty!

My Bail is $695.50!!!

This is HILARIOUS! Just read the 'offense' and if you've done it, you owe that fine. Keep going until you've read each 'offense' and added up your total fine. Title your blog 'My Bail is $........'you dont have to Confess your answers, just write the amount of your fine

1) Smoked pot -- $10

2) Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk --$50

3) Cheated on your significant other -- $10

4) Been in love with two people or more at the same time -- $50

5) Said you love someone but didn't mean it -- $25

6) Went streaking -- $5

7) Went streaking in broad daylight -- $15

8) Kissed a co-worker-- $ 20

9)Kissed your boss --$50

10) Been arrested -- $5

11) Spent time in jail -- $15

12) Peed in the pool -- $0.50

13) Played spin the bottle -- $5

14) Done something you regret -- $20

15) Slept with your best friend >-- $20

16) Been in love with a stripper -- $20

17) Went skinny dipping -- $5

18) Been slapped-- $5

19) Slapped someone-- $5

20) Beat up someone -- $20

21) Been jumped -- $10

22) Ever had sex at church -- $25

23) Dated someone you met on My Space -- $25

24) Cheated on test -- $50

25) Vandalized something -- $20

26) Slept with someone in your parents' bed -- $100

27) Crossed dressed -- $10

28) Given money to stripper -- $25

29) Flirted with an officer to get out of a ticket-- $30

30) Been in love with a stripper -- $20

31) Kissed some one who's name you didn't know --$10

32) Hit on some one of the same sex while at work-- $15

33) Ever drive drunk -- $20

34) Used toys while having sex -- $30

35) Got drunk, passed out and don't remember the night before -- $20

36) Had sex in a pool -- $20

37) Masturbated -- $10

38) Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend --$20

39) Done oral -- $5

40) Got oral -- $5

41) Done / got oral in a car while it was moving-- $25

42) Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you-- $40

43) Stole something -- $10

44) Slept with someone who has been in jail -- $25

45) Made a dirty home video -- $15

46) Plan on making a dirty home video in the near future --$30

47) Had a threesome -- $50

48) Had sex in a public place-- $20

49) Been in the same room while someone was having sex -- $25

50) Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars --$20

51) Had sex with someone 10 years older -- $20

52) Kissed a teacher while you were still a student--$25

53) Lied to your mate -- $5

54) Lied to your mate about the sex being good -- $25

OK , now tally up your answers, then, copy paste this into your blog.  In the title of your post put your 'My Bail Is... (your total) 

Best Day Ever!!!

I didn't move any mountains today.  I didn't cure cancer.  I didn't free any nations.  I did very basic things with my daughter and it was great.

First, we took the dog on a nice long walk.  That was cool.

I took my daughter to the local library.  I felt it was time for her to get a library card.  She was so excited and we checked out her first book, "Beezus and Ramona" by Beverly Cleary.  While I was there the librarian asked if I happened to have a library card.  Truth be told, I haven't had one since high school.  I am now the proud owner of a library card.  Since we had time, my daughter and I curled up on one of the library couches and we started reading her book.  It was nice.

Next we met up with some friends.  I am part of a Single Parents group.  We get together from time to time to do stuff with the kids.  Today we bowled.

After bowling the real fun started.  My daughter and I love Air Hockey. And I am an Air Hockey fiend....and quite good.  And I have to say, for an 8 year old...my kid is pretty good too.  I am sooo good at air hockey that in the years my ex-husband and I were together, he only beat me at air hockey once...and that's because I was trashed!  And then he just flat out refused to play air hockey with me.

Well, me and the kid were going back and forth pretty furiously and attracted an audience.  Mostly teenage boys and a few of the parents I was with.  At one point...I got challenged.  I played this kid...and I beat him.  I got challenged again by someone else...beat him too.  And everytime I won, my daughter would look at whatever teen was standing next to her and she would say proudly..."that's my mom!"

"THAT'S YOUR MOM?!?"

I finally did get beat.  But after each game, regardless of whether or not I won, I would shake hands with my opponent.  It was pretty cool.  But it was funny because each of these kids was soooo stunned that someone my age was sooo good at air hockey....because Air Hockey was invented last week.

Then we went to the Food Connection.  Its a huge food court like you would see at a mall, but its all Asian food.  And not the crappy asian food we would get at the mall, but the REAL STUFF!!  And my daughter ate it all up!!  And I topped off my meal with a Thai Iced Tea with mini boba!  Yum!

And then we came home...read some more...and called it a night.

It was a good day!

Its Time!

It was Valentines Day and I was sitting in my hospital bed.  I was never a fan of the holiday and now it was celebrating it in a hospital bed.  Ugh.  I was twiddling my thumbs and looking out the window.  The doctors were supposed to get back to me regarding my weekend furlough.

First one in...the husband carrying a big box of Godiva Chocolates.  So far the day was starting out with chocolate...not a bad start.

Then I was surprised by my friend Christina and her boyfriend Tan.  Tan was a good friend of my husbands from high school and I was so thrilled that he found himself the most wonderful girlfriend in the world.  They dropped by for a surprise visit.  They didn't know if I would like Mussles Fra Diavlo or Chicken Parm...so they brought me both.  I was so happy!

I got a craving that day for a large chocolate frappe.  And I got my wish.  I got my frappe!  So far, my day was going well.  And I completely forgot my doctors were supposed to get back to me about early release.

After my visitors left, I sat in bed watching Oprah.  It was exactly 8 years ago, but I remember the episode.  Oprah was talking to women who were not turned on by sex.  I thought it was kind of funny because sex is what got me into my current predicament.  They were talking about using porn to spice things up in your marriage.

I remember thinking that maybe that chocolate frappe was a mistake because now I had this stomach ache.  But then it went away.  And then it came back.  But then it went away.  And then it was back.....oh shit.

I noticed that stomach ache was getting very painful.  It didn't feel like a contraction..it felt like there were razor blades in my stomach.  I tried not to panic so I hit the call button.  I said I needed my nurse because I was in pain.  The receptionist fired back with "Your nurse is busy with someone else so your'e just gonna have to wait your turn."  The way she said it was really snotty.  I told her I understood that but something was wrong.  She replied "I said you have to wait!!"

"Listen!!  You get me my nurse or someone else's nurse now or I swear to God I am dragging my pregnant ass down to your desk and kicking your ass up and down the 11th floor!!"

"Nurse needed in room 1118...Nurse needed in room 1118!!"

Again I got hooked up to machines.  But this time nothing was coming up showing a contraction.  I could not believe it when a nurse asked me "Are you sure you're having pain?"

The attending OB came to my room and found that I was 2 centimeters dialated...and I had a fever.  That infection I had been warned about finally caught up with me. 

And I was taken to Labor and Delivery and this time it was really going to happen.  I called my husband, he was taking classes at night.  I called my mom...she was on her way... I called my in-laws..they were on their way too...this was not a drill.

While we waited for my husband to get there, my fever spiked.  I walked into the bathroom at one point, but when I shut the door behind me, it felt like I had walked into a meat locker.  I was so cold...and sporting a fever of 103.  My nurse covered me in blankets straight out of the dryer.  And the pain was getting worse.

Finally the anesthesiologist arrived.  I received anesthesia through a spinal injection.  The pain was finally gone, but I couldn't move from my chest down.  Easily the freakest thing I had ever gone through.

The husband finally arrived and into the operating room we went.  The doctors asked me what kind of music I wanted to listen to...I chose the blues.

It was wierd.  I remember lying there with a blue curtain across my chest.  I was curious to see what they were doing.  I even checked the reflections in eyglasses of the surgeons.  They were all wearing non-reflective lenses.

I guess that was a good thing.  The thing about c-sections is that you think they make a cut and lift out the baby.  That is the furthest from the truth.  The fact is that the mother is gutted like a fish.  First, there is the cut across your belly.  Then your intestines are moved aside.  Next your bladder is lifted out of your body and placed next to you on the operating table.  Now, they finally cut into the womb.  And finally, they pluck out the baby.  After, they put you back together again.

When I hear a woman say she wants to have a c-section because its easier, I know she is ill informed.

I was under the impression that everything was going well.  However, doctors have a funny way of speaking and my then-husband pays very good attention.

"So I went golfing last week at that new resort....the baby is stuck.....and I got to break out the new golf clubs....I can't get the baby out....I was in the clubhouse and they have a new chef....she's bleeding alot....I was really impressed with the new menu....we're running out of time....The fish was really fresh....

I turned to my anesthesiologist and asked, "I feel really sleepy, is it ok if I close my eyes for a little bit?"

He responded with a very panicked "What?!"  And then I lost consciousness.

At that same moment the surgeon yelled at a nurse "We need O-Postive."  According to my ex-husband the doctors shifted into over-drive.  I was loosing blood.  The baby was stuck.  Both of us were running out of time.

Although I was unconscious...I remember stuff.  I remember after I closed my eyes I was in a dark place.  It felt like I was wrapped in the most wonderful comforter and tucked inside a peapod just my size.  I had never been so comfortable in my life.  And I thought to myself, "Wow, I could sleep forever!"  I was so at peace and warm.  I remeber that everthing was black..but I could see there was some kind of light.  And I turned to see where that light was coming from....

And then I woke up!  A surgeon announced my sudden consciousness with "She's back!"

Back?  I was only out for 30 seconds...right?  Wrong.  I was unconscious for over 10 minutes while I was bleeding to death.  But the bleeding was finally under control. 

They finally got the baby out. 

For the whole month I was in the hospital I was told to be prepared, when a baby is born a preemie sometimes their lungs are under developed and they can't cry.  They took the baby from my body and carried it to the other side of the room to waiting nurses and specialists.  And I waited.

Then I heard a screetch so hellacious that it split the air in the room in two!

"What the hell was that?!?!?"

A chorus of doctors and nurses shouted "It's your daughter!!!"

I had a little girl.  And she had perfect lungs!  And then she stopped screaming.  Basically, one scream is all she needed.  They wrapped her in a blanket and gave her a pink hat.  Because she needed to go to the NICU, they held her up in front of me before taking her away.  I didn't get a chance to hold her.  But she was just looking around.  She was observing everything.  And then she looked right at me.  She looked me straight in the eyes and it felt like she was looking directly into my soul.  I felt naked.

And I felt ashamed.  She was so magnificent and so incredible.  And I felt absolutely unworthy.  I felt she needed someone better than me.  Someone worthy enough to call themselves her mother.  I took a deep breath and looked her back in the eye and thought to myself..."I may not feel like I'm good enough, but I'm all she's got...so be better!"

Then I felt the strangest thing.  I felt something come alive inside of me.  It wasn't a warm, fluffy, tv mom kind of thing.  It was something ferocious.  What I felt was similar to the sound a cougar makes.  And I instantly knew what it was.  I was now a mother.  From that point forward and for the rest of my life I know that without thinking I would lay down my life to protect my child.  And if I had to, I would be capable of taking someone's life to protect my child.  My child had become my prime directive and I was now a different person.  What came alive inside of me was the most primitive mothering instinct to protect her young.

My husband walked over to see his daughter.  He looked at the doctors cleaning me up.  He said he nearly passed out.  He had never seen so much blood in his life.

I didn't find out that I nearly died until the next day.

My daughter was born on 02/14/2001 at 9:30pm.  She weighed 3lbs, 11oz.  She was a miracle baby because her only problem was that she was small.  She was responsive.  Her lungs were perfect.  But she was tiny.  In fact, she was only in the NICU for 8 hours.  She was too healthy to be there.  I never had to step into that horrible place again. 

She was moved to level 2.  It was the nursery for babies who were not in such dire straights that they needed the NICU, but they still needed a little extra help.

So now you know.  This is how my monkey doodle made her big debut.  Bringing her into this world was no easy task.  And I would easily crawl over glass for my daughter.  Which makes me so angry at women like the octuplet mom or the Gloucester 17.  Brining a child into this world is no easy task.  It is not a game!  And its not for the faint of heart.

When I go to the market with my daughter, sometimes I joke with her and tell her that when she was born she weighed less than the chicken we're having for dinner.  It makes her laugh, but its true. 

And today she is 8 years old.