Just Say No....to the Speak Easy!

When I think about The Speak Easy where I gained my super hero status, I often wonder if I should have just kept my big mouth shut.  Maybe if I had kept my yap closed, things would have turned out differently.  Or maybe I would have gotten laid off just the same.

Is it better to get laid off and leave quietly or is it better to go with some notoriety attached to your name?  I guess going with the former, rather than the latter, leads to a less interesting blog.

Since morale in the prestigious building was at an all time low, The Suits decided that it would be a good idea to set up special meetings called Speakeasies.  A place where the common worker bee could ask a question of management and get an answer without power point presentations or agendas.

People had questions about the budget, new vice presidents that they would have to answer to, the new direction we were going in... I figured my question was pretty small potatoes, not much of a big deal.  All I wanted to know was where the aspirin went!

Since we had to cut back and save money, management decided to stop refilling the first aid kits.  Instead of headache, allergy and stomach meds, all we had left was band aids and burn gel.  In the employee news letter were were told that in order to save money the first aid kit would only be stocked with things we needed in an emergency.  So basically, if I decided to slit my wrists or if I suddenly burst into flames at work, we'd be all set with everything we needed.

But I started thinking.... ALWAYS A BAD IDEA!  With a little bit of nursing school under my belt and a smidge of first aid training I deduced that if their argument was supplying us with things we needed in the event of an emergency, we needed the aspirin.  If a person in the prestigious building had a heart attack, one of the things we'd need to do first is give this person some aspirin.

So off I go to the Speak Easy to make my case for some basic pharmaceuticals.  While waiting for the meeting to start, some female co-workers were chatting about the lack of tampons.  Tampons and sanitary napkins were supplied for free to the female employees since the 60s.  Now they were nowhere to be found!  The tampon machines were not being refilled.  We were not even being given the option to pay for them with a stinkin' quarter!  And we were given NO notice.  No memo, no email, no article in the employee newsletter.  Nothing to let us plan ahead.  We were literally caught with our pants down!  Literally!!  Pants down!!

So the President and CEO of our very important workplace started the meeting. I decided to go first since I felt no one wanted to talk about aspirin.  So I made my plea and I was great!  I talked about what a heart attack is...how a thrombus forms... how aspirin keeps the thrombus from getting any bigger and causing tissue death...and how it can very well save someone's life...and how we need it in the event of an emergency, since that was their argument to begin with.  The President was very impressed, even gave me a little applause and said how happy he was that I brought this to his attention.  He said he was definitely bring this up again with his people to re-evaluate their decision because they clearly hadn't thought of that when they decided to nix the aspirin.

Maybe I was drunk on the adulation from top Suit so I opened my big yap and said, "And while you're at it, if you could fill up the tampon machine, that would be awesome!  For a lot of us here, that's an emergency too!"

I got a big laugh from the audience...I got a big laugh from the President himself...apparently the only person not laughing was the head of Human Resources who was sitting in the back of the room writing down my name and department!

This is how my story begins...

A Question of Faith...

It's Good Friday.

I have been wrestling with a spiritual question for some time now.  I haven't shared this with anyone because even wondering this, silently to myself, was disturbing...even to me.

Am I an athiest?

When I was a child, I believed very deeply in God.  I believed in God so profoundly that when I prayed, I believed someone was actually listening.  But as I grew up, cracks started to form in the foundation of my faith.

First, being sent to Catholic school didn't help much.  Nothing helps strengthen your faith in God like asking your religion teacher a deep spiritual question about God and being told, "Do you know what your problem is?  You think to much!  Maybe you should just stop asking questions and do what you're told!"

I know that as far as lives go... I've been pretty lucky.  I've always had a roof over my head.  I may not have always had what I wanted, but for the most part, I've always had what I needed.  My life has been a lot easier than a lot of people on this blue marble we live on.  Lucky....my mother says blessed.

But on occasion, life has thrown me a curve ball.  My dad was sick for a while.  My marriage was far from successful.  My pregnancy was troubled from the very start.  Maybe some of my dreams didn't come true.  People I loved disappointed me and broke my heart.  And sometimes it felt like these little things piled up into one big overwhelming thing I had to shoulder alone.  And I started to ask myself...

When I pray, is anyone even listening?

So I stopped praying.  I stopped blessing myself with the cross.  I stopped going to church.  I walked away. 

From time to time friends I've made along the way would tell me how they were saved.  They would share their beliefs with me and how they would go to church faithfully every Sunday with their families.  And it would bother me so much. Maybe I was jealous because they had so much faith and I had so little.  They were filled with their faith.  I on the other hand would feel utterly empty.  Sometimes I felt like I was going a little nutty because I was talking to myself a lot.  Maybe it was my replacement for prayer.

I know I talk a lot of trash about my mom sometimes, make little jokes at her expense, but she said something today that made me think and re-evaluate.

I said to my mom, "I'm sorry I'm not like you.  I guess I'm more like my dad, he didn't have any faith either!"

My mom looked me in the eye and very calmly said, "Your father believed very deeply in God...it was the priests that he hated!"

Huh?!?

Turns out that my dad avoided church because he didn't like priests, not because he didn't believe in God.  He felt that a priest was a guy just like himself...just a man.  He hated how many people tripped all over priests like they were special.  He saw them for the flawed human beings they were...just guys...and this is what they do.  Some people grow up to be dentists or mechanics...some guys grow up to be priests.

I was stunned.  That's why my dad hated going to church?!  I thought it was because his time could be better spent watching TV and drinking beer.  I didn't know he had an actual reason.  And what was more shocking... a reason that I agree with!!

Just like my dad, I've always had a problem with church.  I don't like going.  I never got anything out of it and I didn't feel it brought me closer to God.  And on top of that, I didn't like the idea of what I was being told...God is in heaven keeping a running tab of every little thing you have ever done wrong and on top of that, he takes attendance on Sunday.  Awesome.  And I hated how a lot of these religious folk who talked non stop about their church and their faith were, more often than not, faking it!  Who among us doesn't know someone who constantly goes on and on about how good and holy they are and when they think no one is looking, they are the sneakiest, most dishonest people around?

I('ve made mistakes and sometimes my moral compass does not entirely point due north.  But for the most part, I try to live my life as a good person.  I help out when I can.  I treat other the way I want to be treated.  I'm trying...  So because I don't go to church every Sunday or ram my religious beliefs down people's throats, does that mean I'm not welcomed in heaven...if there actually is a heaven?  Is it even the way its been described to us since child hood or is heaven something else entirely different? Who knows...

But I do know this!  I am taking a page out of my dad's book.  If you go to church and it fills you with absolute joy, then good for you, I am happy for you, I really am.  But its not for me.  I have a better chance of squeezing into a size 2 than falling head over heels in love with organized religion.

Now, here's a funny little tidbit.  All this time that I turned my  back on God, I started talking to myself a lot.  Thinking out loud, reflecting on stuff.  The funny thing was...it felt like someone was listening.  Just because I wasn't praying the way I was taught, or expected to, doesn't mean I wasn't talking to God.  I was just doing it differently.  

So if you'll excuse me, I'm going to park it on the couch and have a private chat with God.

Prologue.....

In the city of Boston there is a prestigious building. Within this building, drones work tirelessly to produce content meant to educate the general public. Content, shows, programs that are meant to open the eyes and feed the minds of whoever sees it...reads it...listens to it. And tirelessly the drones worked on in hopes of reaching the masses and satisfying its thirst for knowledge!

Once upon a time, the drones worked with pride...tirelessly...always tirelessly.

But as the landscape of the nation change... so did the focus of the public.

The public for whom the drones worked to satisfy no longer yearned for ABCs...or Physics...or History... or the tales of the peoples of far away lands.... in the modern age, the public yearned for something else entirely different. Who was voted off the island? Who did the bachelor pick to be his bride? Who sang until their throats were raw in hopes the public would vote for them to sing again another day?

And still the drones worked tirelessly....

And as the landscape continued to change....so did life in the prestigious building. New faces, strangers to the land of public broadcasting, took the lead in the executive offices. Before long, the drones heard dreaded words that shook them to their individual cores... furlough... lay-off... downsizing... restructuring... change.

And from these seeds of discontent, Tampon Girl arose!

I BELONG TO A SECRET SOCIETY!!

Due to reasons beyond our control, we have been forced underground.  Our traditions are squirreled away from the public and our beliefs are kept to ourselves for fear of prosecution.  We appear just like everyone else, we work with you, our children go to school with yours, and we stand behind you at the supermarket.  And when we recognize one of our own, we greet each other secretly, we whisper our secret message softly so as not to attract attention…we make sure we are in a safe location away from prying judgmental eyes and we whisper…. 

Merry Christmas!

Yes, it’s true, I admit it…. I am a Christian!  I know! It’s shocking!!  I’m the last person you’d suspect as being a Christian.  I love to swear…and I do it quite well.  When I get going, I can whip up such a stitch of profanity that sailors blush!  I love a good martini!  Gin, Straight up (no ice), two olives!  I haven’t seen the inside of a church in God knows how long, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t believe in Jesus.

I don’t belong to any particular church.  I was born Catholic, but to be honest, the Catholic Church and I have gone our separate ways for a variety of reason including that Sunday Mass is a huge snooze-fest that I get absolutely nothing out of unless of course it’s the Spanish Mass at St. Ambrose because the choir is awesome and the walls vibrate from everyone singing.  (However, if regular Mass works for you…God bless.)

I don’t go to church; I don’t beat the bible and make it the centerpiece of every conversation.  However, I try to live my life according to what Jesus taught those of us in our secret society.  Treat others as you would want to be treated.  Be charitable.  Be compassionate.  Let others simply be…  I try my best, I admit sometimes I screw up, but I keep on trying.  Most people, I like to think, believe that although I can be brash and loud, I’m a nice person.

I don’t think it’s a bad way to live.

But here’s the thing…apparently my beliefs are so offensive that I am asked to say Happy Holidays so I don’t hurt anyone’s feelings.  Why do I have to celebrate in secret?  Why can’t we ALL celebrate ALL our faiths out in the open and just enjoy the diversity?

That seems like a lot more fun.

I’d like to point out a fact.  Christmas is about Christ…that why “Christ” is in the word “Christmas!”  Kind of funny how that works out, huh…. And for the record it has never been, nor should it continue to be Xmas...that's for people too lazy to write out the entire word.

Christmas is about celebrating the birth of a very special child.  It’s about taking a leap of faith.  It’s about celebrating this day with the people you love and wishing them the best.

It’s not about Santa Clause.  It’s not about shopping.  It’s not about racking up 5 months of bills! 

When I see all the commercials and see the people going bananas buying everything in sight….and completely missing the point…it makes my stomach turn.   It is an absolute perversion of the true meaning of Christmas.

Instead of manger scenes, we have a fat guy in a red suit and fictitious reindeer.  Instead of angels, we have elves.  Instead of "Little Drummer Boy" we have "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause," easily one of the irritating songs ever!  And before anyone stands up to defend “Santa” let me remind you what a jerk he was to Rudolph!  He used him for his red nose for one Christmas and then we never hear of him again…I find him a poor representative for Christmas based on his inferior moral fiber.

So while you are walking around your winter wonderland this holiday season, taking in the sanitized, unreligious, secular holiday decorations…while you are thinking, “Wow…how utterly fair and inoffensive to everyone” I would like to point out one thing.

ITS OFFENSIVE TO ME!

Merry Christmas!

It's Getting Swiney Up In Here....

My daughter has the flu....I am going to assume it is H1N1.  After all, my ex-mother-in-law has told me repeatedly, over and over again, on several occasions, time and time again, that the seasonal flu has not hit yet.  So if a child has flu symptoms, it's probably H1N1.

I am so bothered by this for so many different reasons.

I took her to the doctor for her yearly physical on Thursday.  She got a clean bill of health.  The doctor said she was in tip top shape.  When I called I said I wanted her to get the flu shot...this would be for the regular seasonal flu, not the new and improved flu, version 2.0, better known as the swine flu. I was told it would not be a problem.  The woman on the other end of the phone did not ask me if my daughter had asthma.  All they had left was the nasal spray.  If you have asthma, you cannot take the spray, you need the shot.  And MGH is out of shots.

Fine, whatever, we'll just wash our hands a lot and keep calling to see when another shipment will come in.

However, she comes home and she says her throat is scratchy...next comes the cough...she wakes up the next morning with a headache...she is sooo tired...she has the flu.

The thing that I hate about this flu is that it screws with your head.  First the kid is sick...then they feel better...then they are sick again...then the fever is gone...then the next morning its back with a vengence...its gone...then its back. 

Another thing that I hate is that I am doing this alone.  The ex-husband calls and checks in for a whopping 5 minutes, but that's it.  I have to deal with getting her to take her medicine, to making sure she is taking in liquids, taking her temp and deciding whether or not I can go to work today or not.

Didn't go to work today, her fever was very low, but I figured better safe than sorry.  Her fever shot up again to 103.3 half an hour ago.  And I have to go to work tomorrow.  Does the ex-husband have to face these issues?  Nooooo...he's off "rebuilding" his life with the new girlfriend.  Keep in mind he has been "rebuilding" for the better part of 6 years!

I cannot believe the fever is back!!!  ARGH!!

Yet another thing that enrages me is all the information on the internet.  I typed in H1N1 treatment...all these websites pop up, they claim to have info on treating H1N1...they list the vaccine as a treatment! 

Where do you get this magic vaccine?!

In the state of Massachusetts, the first batch of this vaccine went to prison inmates.  Normally, I am a left wing, bleeding heart liberal.  Not this time, I had never sounded so Republican in my life that when the following thoughts crossed my mind, I wondered if I had been possessed by the ghost of a GOP member!

There is a vaccine out there that could have prevented my kid from getting this flu that is quite frankly kicking my ass and its going to prison inmates first?!?  Why are their lives more important than my daughter's life?  My kid never killed anyone!  She never hurt anyone!  But we're giving the vaccine to Johnny Rapist first?  Does this seem wrong to anyone else?

Ugh!  I am sooo frustrated!  And I am so tired!  And I have to go to work! And the fever is not going away!  And just when I thought she was getting better, she gets worse!  And people who do not raise my child or have no background in medicine or patient care are under the impression that I am dying to hear their opinion on what I should do!

I can't wait for flu season to be over...or for everyone with an opinion on what I should do to find a new target.

I CONTROL THE CHOCOLATE MILK!

Many years ago, I was cradling my little pink baby.  As I studied and took in her absolute perfection, I thought to myself, "Wow...I'm going to screw her up."

I came to that conclusion after contemplating my need to be the best mommy I could be.  And how my mom tried to be the best mom she could be.  And no matter how hard I try or what I do, she will eventually end up on a therapists couch, blaming me for something. 

My mom was always smothering me...or My mom didn't care about me....or My mom tried to be my best friend when what I needed was a mother...or My mom was to neat...or messy...or strict...or lax.  No matter what I do...she's screwed.

So I figured I should have fun with it.  And then my pink baby spit up on me.

GAME ON!

Just like last summer, my daughter is spending her days at summer camp.  Every morning we go to the day camp location and I walk her to a big tent...it kind of looks like a banquet tent and I sign her in.  And then I walk her down a gravel path to a smaller tent.  This second tent serves as a home room.

So I sign her in like I do every day.  And we start to walk towards the gravel path and she stops.  She turns to me and says, "Mommy, you don't have to walk me, I can go by myself."

I swear that I could hear my heart crack and split in two.  My God, I knew this day would come...she is starting to pull away from me.

"Are you sure, Mommy can walk you the rest of the way...it's ok."

"No..I can go by myself."

I tried so hard to hide the heartbreak and desperation in my voice, "Are you sure?"

"Yep, I'm good."

She's good?!?  What the hell is that?!

I lean down to give her a hug and kiss like a do every morning...and she pulls away!!

"MOM!" she says under her voice like I just did something gross like pick my butt in front of her friends.

And off she went. 

And then I heard the voice in my head..."What the hell!!  She can't even give you a hug and kiss?!  Get a hold of this situation NOW!! YOU CONTROL THE CHOCOLATE MILK IN THIS RELATIONSHIP!! Get a hold of this situation and handle it!!"

I didn't know what to do, she was walking away!

She was about 30...40 feet away and I took a deep breath and yelled out:

"TREENIE PANINI!!"

She stopped dead in her tracks...dropped and shook her head.

"HAVE A GOOD DAY SWEET HEART!!"

"MOMMY LOVES YOU!!"

"MAKE SMART CHOICES!!!"

She turned to me and mouthed very clearly "I hate you!" to which I replied:

"I LOVE YOU TOO!!"

I think I made my point.

Later that evening we had a chat about mommy's little display of affection.

"WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!?"

"I DID THAT BECAUSE YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND THAT I CONTROL THE CHOCOLATE MILK!!!"

"WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN!!"

"IT MEANS I AM THE MOMMY AND YOU ARE THE CHILD AND THAT IS THE END OF THE STORY!!"

After some more discussion, I made an offer to end the little stalemate we found ourselves in.  Every morning I get my hug and kiss and she can then walk to her tent alone.  At first she didn't think it was a good deal.  But then I said I could always show up at camp and show her friends her naked baby pictures.  She soon saw my point of view and we settled on my offer.

So every morning I get my hug and kiss...she walks the path alone...and I control the chocolate milk.

A Gas Grill A BBQ Does Not Make!

This is an issue that really bothers me and I feel that I can no longer hold it in...my friends, I must speak!

COOKING ON A GAS GRILL DOES NOT COUNT AS A BBQ!! 
AAAAARRRGGGGHHHH!!

Oh my God, it felt good to get that off my chest!

Yesterday I went to a BBQ at my friend's house.  It was good to get out of the house and go have grown up time without the offspring.  Don't get me wrong, I love my child but she can be a pain in the ass!

"I'm bored...when are we leaving...how much longer are we going to stay...I'm bored...the battery in my DS died...did I mention I'm bored?"

But luckily the offspring was at a slumber party and mom got to hang out with friends in the "over 30" group!

My friend's put out quite the spread! And best of all, it was grilled on a Webber with charcoal briquettes! 

I remember watching my dad load up our Webber with the charcoal...he used to let me douse the briquettes with lighter fluid.  The biggest thrill I got was when he let me light them myself for the first time...and it only took two months for my eyebrows to grow back!  Kidding! But it was something my dad and I got to do together.

I remember he and the other dad's would talk about the right way to stack the briquette's...should they be laid out flat or should you stack them in a pyramid.  I believe it should be in a pyramid.

And just like yesterday's bbq...the food would taste sooo good!  There is just something about the way food tastes when it is off a charcoal grill.  You don't get the same taste from a gas grill.

I don't like gas grills!  They are boushy! 

That's right! I said it! 

They're boushy!!

Not everyone can afford a big ol' propane gas grill and pay extra for an engineer to put the stupid thing together so that it doesn't blow up in your face and burn down your house.  However, you can buy a little hibachi for a couple of bucks to grill up some dogs and burgers.

And a gas grill is nothing more than a glorified stove top!  You spent $300 on something that could do the job of a stove top and a special pan...and you look foolish as you impress everyone by turning the knob on your big ol grill..a knob that looks a lot like the ones on the stove.

And the food tastes like it would if it came off the stove.  Not that that's a bad thing...but its just not special.  If you're going to go through the effort of grilling the payoff should be in the way the food tastes.

A gas grill is not gilling...it's just cooking...outside!

I was at the supermarket today saw that one of these babies was for sale:


A Kingsford Barrel Grill...isn't it beautiful?  And if I ever have a house (not a condo) with a yard...I'm getting one of these and I'm having a big ol' Barbecue!!!