There are details about my lay-off story that are still a bit fuzzy to me. The order of certain things is kind of unclear. Did I get THE phone call before of after the speakeasy? Did I know for sure that I was being laid off before or after I said "tampon?" I can't really remember. But at some point I had already learned that I was being laid off and I had already said that word in front of the President and CEO of the prestigious organization.
I was getting my things together and I preparing for a long overdue vacation. I was going to visit my cousin in Texas. I had purchased the airline tickets before I received news of the layoff...so what was I supposed to do? I packed my bags and my kid and I would take off to the Lone Star State. But in the days before my flight I received a phone call. I wasn't actually there to take the phone call, but I listened to the message...
"Hi, this is Badskin McFrizzyhair. As you know, your contract with us will be up soon and I wanted to set aside a time to chat with you about your benefits and answer any questions you might have. Also I wanted to schedule a date to have you exit interview. "
This was the part that pissed me off! I received this phone call in April. My last day of work at the prestigious organization was during the last week of August. I could not believe Badskin McFrizzyhair wanted to schedule my exit interview so soon. It kinda felt like they were twisting the knife. She ended her voice mail with a cheerful closing and asking me to call her.
FUCK YOU!!
I had no intention of calling this bitch back. So off I went to Texas to hang out with my cousin, drink too much and eat steak!! I had the time of my life!! And then I came back...
It was my first day back and I was trying to get back in the swing of things. I was reading an employee bulletin that announced FREE ICECREAM!! A new ice cream machine was making its big debut with us. It could make a custom scoop of hard ice cream in a variety of flavors and toppings in less than a minute. Not a bad way to start the week! And then I got the phone call....
CALLER ID: "McFrizzyhair, Badskin - HR"
Good lord she was persistent! I took the call. I probably should have let it go to voicemail, but I took the call. I made an appointment to see her that afternoon, and then I would go get my complimentary scoop of custom made ice cream.
I didn't realize what I was walking into. What was the point? I was going to be let go and be left with nothing! Why did I need a big meeting to state the obvious? And I was right...she ran down a list of things I already knew... no job...no health insurance...possible severance...COBRA is super expensive...blah, blah, blah!
When I decided I had wasted enough time I piped up and said, "so, I guess we're done then?"
The following is what transpired:
BSMFH: Well actually, there is something that I need to chat with you about.
Me: Oh?
BSMFH: Well, its about an issue that was brought to our attention.
Me: Ok... (This is where I start furiously going through the mental roladex to narrow down what I might be on the hook for...)
BSMFH: At the Speakeasy, you brought up something about aspirin, and that was great. But you also brought up something about tampons. We just want you to know that you made A LOT of people really uncomfortable.
Me: I did?!?
BSMFH: Yeah... We just need you to understand that The Speakeasy is not the right venue to talk about tampons.
Me: But its The Speakeasy!
BSMFH: Yes, absolutely. But its not the right venue to talk about that sort of thing! The thing about the aspirin was great! But the it isn't the proper venue to talk about tampons.
Me: Ok...then what is the right venue to talk about tampons?
BSMFH: Well, if you have questions about tampons, you can always come and talk to me because I'm you're HR business partner! (She said this with the chipperness of a chipmunk!)
Me: So, if I have questions about tampons I should always come to you...
BSMFH: Yes, absolutely!
Me: Because YOU are my TAMPON CONTACT...
The smile dropped from her face and she glared at me...."Yeah..."
Our conversation went on for a little longer. Turns out, we were no longer being given tampons because it was no longer the policy of the prestigious organization. When asked why we weren't given notice of this change in policy, she just kept parroting the same phrase over and over again, "It's just not our policy any more...It's just not our policy anymore..." It was kind of sad in a way....that's all she kept saying...but then again, what was she supposed to say? The men in charge don't want to pay for your monthly bleeding issues?
When she had finally had enough she said again that at speakeasies I could ask about aspirins, just not tampons. "Ok...so while we're on the subject, where is the aspirin?" Turns out the prestigious organization wouldn't be bringing those back either. Turns out they did not want to be held liable in the event that someone took the aspirin and got sick because they did not know they had an aspirin allergy. To this day, this has got to be one of the stupidest things I have ever heard.
I ended our meeting by letting her know that she should go back to the suits and request that they re-evaluate their values. There is something definitely wrong when letting someone die of a heart attack is better option than providing the aspirin to begin with and running the risk of someone not knowing they have an aspirin allergy.
I was so angry I could have spit fire.
I walked down to the lobby where the ice cream machine was. Standing in the very middle of the line was my union buddy D. She is every bit as loud and nutty as I am, so I walked up to her, "I was just in HR...."
I blurted everything out. Told her everything that happened.
Since we were standing in the very middle of the line and I didn't bother to whisper, the news traveled down the line in opposite directions like ripples in a pond.
At the time, I didn't realize how far those ripples would actually travel.
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