Thursday, May 26, 2011

You're a She-roe!



I was pretty steamed for the rest of the week.

I had never been called up to HR before... EVER!  You'd think I'd react like any nerd would
on their first trip to the principal's office, but I didn't cry.  I was pissed.

I didn't think anything of it.  I just thought it was part of the new culture in the prestigious
organization.  Moving on... or so I thought.

About a week later, I was approached by a producer at the prestigious organization.  She's
pretty high up on the food chain so I never talked to her since I was just a little cog.  She walked
right up to me and said my name...I was shocked...I had no idea she knew who I was.

"DID YOU GET CALLED UP TO HR FOR SAYING TAMPON IN THE SPEAK EASY?!?"

My jaw dropped!  How the hell did she know about my spanking in HR?!  I was so shocked that
I could hardly speak... which is actually pretty odd for me since my big mouth is what got me into
trouble in the first place.

"IS IT TRUE?!"

I collected myself and said "yes," or rather I tried to say yes, it came out more like a squeak.

"THAT IS SUCH BULLSHIT!! I CANNOT BELIEVE THEY DID THAT TO YOU!!"

I could not believe this woman was talking to me let alone letting the word "shit" fly freely at
full blast!  She said something about wanting to start a ruckus, that something had to be done,
I think I may have blocked out most of her tirade.

I was approached by people high up in my department and other departments.  All women, all
pissed off!  I guess I didn't realize how far the ripples of my own tirade in the ice cream line
would go.  After a couple days, it all died down, and it was back to work until my last day.


The things that I remember the most about this experience are the little things.  The outraged producers
were cool, I guess.  But there were smaller things...

I actually received thank you notes.... some from friends and some from women I didn't even know.
Some women said that for the first time in weeks, they started seeing tampons again in the ladies room on their floors.  One woman said her monthly friend showed up early and she was desperate.  Out of desperation she opened the tampon dispenser. It had been empty for weeks...but she opened it anyway... and found it was full of tampons!

One woman said "Thank you for bringing back the tampons!  You're a She-roe!"  I thought that was pretty cool!

Since my days at the prestigious organization were numbered, I really didn't feel the need to work at full capacity.  I figured I was being shown the door and I got spanked for saying the dreaded "T" word, it was my form of silent protest.... or maybe I was just resentful... after all, I had been there for 7 years!

One day I wandered down to the second floor to waste time with some very cool ladies who worked there.  One of them said to me, "Can I ask you a question? Were you the one who said tampon in the speak easy?"  I laughed, "Yeah, it was me."

She just laughed and said "Oh my God!! You're Tampon Girl!!  You guys!! She's tampon girl!!  SHE'S TAMPON GIRL!!!"

Since we were all Latinas she said, "I knew Tampon Girl had to be one of us!!"

"Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!  What did you call me!?"

"Tampon Girl!  That's your name!  That's what everyone has been calling you!"

It took me a minute to take it all in...

"Joan Baez is writing a tribute album for you!  We're planning a parade!  Now that we know it's you, we can have your statue commissioned!!" (OK...this part about Joan Baez, the parade and the statue aren't true...but I can dream!)

Turns out that my tampon comment had taken on a life of its own and from the hyperbole and exaggeration, Tampon Girl was born!  Tampon Girl!! A mysterious, masked figure who attacked the policies of upper management with tales of the female reproductive system and feminine hygiene products!

In retrospect...it was only tampons.  It really wasn't a big deal.  But it turned into one.  Parts of the story are funny and in hindsight sometimes I laugh about it.  But in reality, the experience of being called up to Human Resources was demeaning and scary.  Who knows, they could have fired me right there and I would have been shown the door with no unemployment benefits.  Then me and my daughter would quite literally be on the street.  Luckily, things did not go that far...but c'mon... just give us the friggin tampons!

Perhaps this is TMI...but clearly its not my favorite time of the month.  I don't know any woman who looks forward to her monthly menses.  Bleeding for 5 to 7 days, along with mood swings, craving and bloating is not as much fun as it sounds!

I understand that times are tough and things had to be cut to save money and hopefully jobs, which is what they promised us.  But of all the things you choose to cut to save money, you choose to cut the tampons?!  Not the fancy lunches the executives have.  Not their travel.  They didn't cut down on all the new vice presidents they were hiring!  Instead they cut the first aid kits and the tampons!

(Although I will say that the top executives who make over a quarter mil did take a pay cut... 5%.... way to did deep guys.  After hearing of their contribution I became gravely concerned.  Sometimes I would lay awake at night wondering if they had enough money to put gas in their boats after such a hefty sacrifice... I was so worried.  But I digress...)

I guess I'm glad I'm gone. The place that fired me was not the same place that hired me.

Oh well, at least I got a great idea for a Halloween costume.... Tampon Girl to the rescue!!!

Friday, May 6, 2011

It Happened on Ice Cream Day!!


There are details about my lay-off story that are still a bit fuzzy to me.  The order of certain things is kind of unclear.  Did I get THE phone call before of after the speakeasy?  Did I know for sure that I was being laid off before or after I said "tampon?" I can't really remember.  But at some point I had already learned that I was being laid off and I had already said that word in front of the President and CEO of the prestigious organization.

I was getting my things together and I preparing for a long overdue vacation.  I was going to visit my cousin in Texas.  I had purchased the airline tickets before I received news of the layoff...so what was I supposed to do?  I packed my bags and my kid and I would take off to the Lone Star State.  But in the days before my flight I received a phone call.  I wasn't actually there to take the phone call, but I listened to the message...

"Hi, this is Badskin McFrizzyhair.  As you know, your contract with us will be up soon and I wanted to set aside a time to chat with you about your benefits and answer any questions you might have.  Also I wanted to schedule a date to have you exit interview. "

This was the part that pissed me off!  I received this phone call in April.  My last day of work at the prestigious organization was during the last week of August.  I could not believe Badskin McFrizzyhair wanted to schedule my exit interview so soon.  It kinda felt like they were twisting the knife.  She ended her voice mail with a cheerful closing and asking me to call her.

FUCK YOU!!

I had no intention of calling this bitch back.  So off I went to Texas to hang out with my cousin, drink too much and eat steak!!  I had the time of my life!!  And then I came back...

It was my first day back and I was trying to get back in the swing of things.  I was reading an employee bulletin that announced FREE ICECREAM!!  A new ice cream machine was making its big debut with us.  It could make a custom scoop of hard ice cream in a variety of flavors and toppings in less than a minute.  Not a bad way to start the week!  And then I got the phone call....

CALLER ID: "McFrizzyhair, Badskin - HR"

Good lord she was persistent!  I took the call.  I probably should have let it go to voicemail, but I took the call.  I made an appointment to see her that afternoon, and then I would go get my complimentary scoop of custom made ice cream.

I didn't realize what I was walking into.  What was the point?  I was going to be let go and be left with nothing! Why did I need a big meeting to state the obvious?  And I was right...she ran down a list of things I already knew... no job...no health insurance...possible severance...COBRA is super expensive...blah, blah, blah!

When I decided I had wasted enough time I piped up and said, "so, I guess we're done then?"

The following is what transpired:

BSMFH:  Well actually, there is something that I need to chat with you about.

Me:  Oh?

BSMFH:  Well, its about an issue that was brought to our attention.


Me:  Ok... (This is where I start furiously going through the mental roladex to narrow down what I might be on the hook for...)

BSMFH:  At the Speakeasy, you brought up something about aspirin, and that was great.  But you also brought up something about tampons.  We just want you to know that you made A LOT of people really uncomfortable.

Me:  I did?!?


BSMFH:  Yeah... We just need you to understand that The Speakeasy is not the right venue to talk about tampons.

Me:  But its The Speakeasy!

BSMFH:  Yes, absolutely.  But its not the right venue to talk about that sort of thing!  The thing about the aspirin was great!  But the it isn't the proper venue to talk about tampons.

Me:  Ok...then what is the right venue to talk about tampons?

BSMFH:  Well, if you have questions about tampons, you can always come and talk to me because I'm you're HR business partner! (She said this with the chipperness of a chipmunk!)

Me:  So, if I have questions about tampons I should always come to you...

BSMFH:  Yes, absolutely!

Me:  Because YOU are my TAMPON CONTACT...

The smile dropped from her face and she glared at me...."Yeah..."

Our conversation went on for a little longer.  Turns out, we were no longer being given tampons because it was no longer the policy of the prestigious organization.  When asked why we weren't given notice of this change in policy, she just kept parroting the same phrase over and over again, "It's just not our policy any more...It's just not our policy anymore..."  It was kind of sad in a way....that's all she kept saying...but then again, what was she supposed to say? The men in charge don't want to pay for your monthly bleeding issues?

When she had finally had enough she said again that at speakeasies I could ask about aspirins, just not tampons.  "Ok...so while we're on the subject, where is the aspirin?"  Turns out the prestigious organization wouldn't be bringing those back either.  Turns out they did not want to be held liable in the event that someone took the aspirin and got sick because they did not know they had an aspirin allergy.  To this day, this has got to be one of the stupidest things I have ever heard.

I ended our meeting by letting her know that she should go back to the suits and request that they re-evaluate their values.  There is something definitely wrong when letting someone die of a heart attack is better option than providing the aspirin to begin with and running the risk of someone not knowing they have an aspirin allergy.

I was so angry I could have spit fire.

I walked down to the lobby where the ice cream machine was.  Standing in the very middle of the line was my union buddy D.  She is every bit as loud and nutty as I am, so I walked up to her, "I was just in HR...."
I blurted everything out.  Told her everything that happened.

Since we were standing in the very middle of the line and I didn't bother to whisper, the news traveled down the line in opposite directions like ripples in a pond.

At the time, I didn't realize how far those ripples would actually travel.