Its Time!

It was Valentines Day and I was sitting in my hospital bed.  I was never a fan of the holiday and now it was celebrating it in a hospital bed.  Ugh.  I was twiddling my thumbs and looking out the window.  The doctors were supposed to get back to me regarding my weekend furlough.

First one in...the husband carrying a big box of Godiva Chocolates.  So far the day was starting out with chocolate...not a bad start.

Then I was surprised by my friend Christina and her boyfriend Tan.  Tan was a good friend of my husbands from high school and I was so thrilled that he found himself the most wonderful girlfriend in the world.  They dropped by for a surprise visit.  They didn't know if I would like Mussles Fra Diavlo or Chicken Parm...so they brought me both.  I was so happy!

I got a craving that day for a large chocolate frappe.  And I got my wish.  I got my frappe!  So far, my day was going well.  And I completely forgot my doctors were supposed to get back to me about early release.

After my visitors left, I sat in bed watching Oprah.  It was exactly 8 years ago, but I remember the episode.  Oprah was talking to women who were not turned on by sex.  I thought it was kind of funny because sex is what got me into my current predicament.  They were talking about using porn to spice things up in your marriage.

I remember thinking that maybe that chocolate frappe was a mistake because now I had this stomach ache.  But then it went away.  And then it came back.  But then it went away.  And then it was back.....oh shit.

I noticed that stomach ache was getting very painful.  It didn't feel like a contraction..it felt like there were razor blades in my stomach.  I tried not to panic so I hit the call button.  I said I needed my nurse because I was in pain.  The receptionist fired back with "Your nurse is busy with someone else so your'e just gonna have to wait your turn."  The way she said it was really snotty.  I told her I understood that but something was wrong.  She replied "I said you have to wait!!"

"Listen!!  You get me my nurse or someone else's nurse now or I swear to God I am dragging my pregnant ass down to your desk and kicking your ass up and down the 11th floor!!"

"Nurse needed in room 1118...Nurse needed in room 1118!!"

Again I got hooked up to machines.  But this time nothing was coming up showing a contraction.  I could not believe it when a nurse asked me "Are you sure you're having pain?"

The attending OB came to my room and found that I was 2 centimeters dialated...and I had a fever.  That infection I had been warned about finally caught up with me. 

And I was taken to Labor and Delivery and this time it was really going to happen.  I called my husband, he was taking classes at night.  I called my mom...she was on her way... I called my in-laws..they were on their way too...this was not a drill.

While we waited for my husband to get there, my fever spiked.  I walked into the bathroom at one point, but when I shut the door behind me, it felt like I had walked into a meat locker.  I was so cold...and sporting a fever of 103.  My nurse covered me in blankets straight out of the dryer.  And the pain was getting worse.

Finally the anesthesiologist arrived.  I received anesthesia through a spinal injection.  The pain was finally gone, but I couldn't move from my chest down.  Easily the freakest thing I had ever gone through.

The husband finally arrived and into the operating room we went.  The doctors asked me what kind of music I wanted to listen to...I chose the blues.

It was wierd.  I remember lying there with a blue curtain across my chest.  I was curious to see what they were doing.  I even checked the reflections in eyglasses of the surgeons.  They were all wearing non-reflective lenses.

I guess that was a good thing.  The thing about c-sections is that you think they make a cut and lift out the baby.  That is the furthest from the truth.  The fact is that the mother is gutted like a fish.  First, there is the cut across your belly.  Then your intestines are moved aside.  Next your bladder is lifted out of your body and placed next to you on the operating table.  Now, they finally cut into the womb.  And finally, they pluck out the baby.  After, they put you back together again.

When I hear a woman say she wants to have a c-section because its easier, I know she is ill informed.

I was under the impression that everything was going well.  However, doctors have a funny way of speaking and my then-husband pays very good attention.

"So I went golfing last week at that new resort....the baby is stuck.....and I got to break out the new golf clubs....I can't get the baby out....I was in the clubhouse and they have a new chef....she's bleeding alot....I was really impressed with the new menu....we're running out of time....The fish was really fresh....

I turned to my anesthesiologist and asked, "I feel really sleepy, is it ok if I close my eyes for a little bit?"

He responded with a very panicked "What?!"  And then I lost consciousness.

At that same moment the surgeon yelled at a nurse "We need O-Postive."  According to my ex-husband the doctors shifted into over-drive.  I was loosing blood.  The baby was stuck.  Both of us were running out of time.

Although I was unconscious...I remember stuff.  I remember after I closed my eyes I was in a dark place.  It felt like I was wrapped in the most wonderful comforter and tucked inside a peapod just my size.  I had never been so comfortable in my life.  And I thought to myself, "Wow, I could sleep forever!"  I was so at peace and warm.  I remeber that everthing was black..but I could see there was some kind of light.  And I turned to see where that light was coming from....

And then I woke up!  A surgeon announced my sudden consciousness with "She's back!"

Back?  I was only out for 30 seconds...right?  Wrong.  I was unconscious for over 10 minutes while I was bleeding to death.  But the bleeding was finally under control. 

They finally got the baby out. 

For the whole month I was in the hospital I was told to be prepared, when a baby is born a preemie sometimes their lungs are under developed and they can't cry.  They took the baby from my body and carried it to the other side of the room to waiting nurses and specialists.  And I waited.

Then I heard a screetch so hellacious that it split the air in the room in two!

"What the hell was that?!?!?"

A chorus of doctors and nurses shouted "It's your daughter!!!"

I had a little girl.  And she had perfect lungs!  And then she stopped screaming.  Basically, one scream is all she needed.  They wrapped her in a blanket and gave her a pink hat.  Because she needed to go to the NICU, they held her up in front of me before taking her away.  I didn't get a chance to hold her.  But she was just looking around.  She was observing everything.  And then she looked right at me.  She looked me straight in the eyes and it felt like she was looking directly into my soul.  I felt naked.

And I felt ashamed.  She was so magnificent and so incredible.  And I felt absolutely unworthy.  I felt she needed someone better than me.  Someone worthy enough to call themselves her mother.  I took a deep breath and looked her back in the eye and thought to myself..."I may not feel like I'm good enough, but I'm all she's got...so be better!"

Then I felt the strangest thing.  I felt something come alive inside of me.  It wasn't a warm, fluffy, tv mom kind of thing.  It was something ferocious.  What I felt was similar to the sound a cougar makes.  And I instantly knew what it was.  I was now a mother.  From that point forward and for the rest of my life I know that without thinking I would lay down my life to protect my child.  And if I had to, I would be capable of taking someone's life to protect my child.  My child had become my prime directive and I was now a different person.  What came alive inside of me was the most primitive mothering instinct to protect her young.

My husband walked over to see his daughter.  He looked at the doctors cleaning me up.  He said he nearly passed out.  He had never seen so much blood in his life.

I didn't find out that I nearly died until the next day.

My daughter was born on 02/14/2001 at 9:30pm.  She weighed 3lbs, 11oz.  She was a miracle baby because her only problem was that she was small.  She was responsive.  Her lungs were perfect.  But she was tiny.  In fact, she was only in the NICU for 8 hours.  She was too healthy to be there.  I never had to step into that horrible place again. 

She was moved to level 2.  It was the nursery for babies who were not in such dire straights that they needed the NICU, but they still needed a little extra help.

So now you know.  This is how my monkey doodle made her big debut.  Bringing her into this world was no easy task.  And I would easily crawl over glass for my daughter.  Which makes me so angry at women like the octuplet mom or the Gloucester 17.  Brining a child into this world is no easy task.  It is not a game!  And its not for the faint of heart.

When I go to the market with my daughter, sometimes I joke with her and tell her that when she was born she weighed less than the chicken we're having for dinner.  It makes her laugh, but its true. 

And today she is 8 years old.