When My Daughter Saved My Life.....

I was 9 years old when I first got my period.

I figured that would get your attention!  And now that I have it, its best to start at the beginning.

I was very young when I got my period.  My mom and my doctor told me how this now meant that I was becoming a woman.  My pediatrician...a horrible, horrible shrew of a woman by the way....gave me the run down on what it meant to have my period.  I remember she said that if you have your period, it was now possible to carry a baby.

I didn't think about that until 5 years later.

I was 14 years old and my period was horribly irregular.  It would come and hang out for weeks...and then go away and not come back for months.  I was put through a slew of tests to find out why my period was irregular.  And at 14, I was told it was Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome...now its Polycystic Ovarian Disease..not sure why its a disease now, but that is neither here nor there. 

I was told that this syndrome/disease would make it very difficult to have babies and even harder to carry them to term.  That's kind of a lot for a 14 year old to take in.  My doctor didn't know what to make of the tears...my mom made it worse by telling me that I should keep this a secret and not tell anyone in the family.  After all, I was damaged now.  What would people think if they knew I couldn't have children?

I dealt with the news as the years went on.  In college..it meant that I didn't have to worry about getting pregnant like the other girls.  After college, it meant that I could focus on my career without getting bogged down with children.  After all...they were huge career killers. 

This is what I told myself.

Life goes on....and I got married.  (I remember when...I remember where...its the "why" that I am a bit fuzzy on these days.)

I got a job at a local news station working for peanuts, but it was a foot in the door to the TV news industry.  I had to be at work from 2am to 10am.  The hours sucked...but I loved my job..I loved my life...I was having a great time.

Maybe I was having too good a time...

When I was growing up, my life was very black and white.  For example....doing drugs?  That was bad!  Eating your veggies?  That was good!  Now I was older, and loving my life, and going out, and having fun....and those black and white issues soon started presenting shades of gray.  Like drugs....a little booze here... a little pot there...

And then people started mentioning other drugs...ecstacy... cocaine...pills...and the idea of trying them was not entirely out of the question.  I remember a friend saying to me that the next time he scored some coke he would let me try some...and it didn't seem like a bad idea to me.  After all...I could handle it as long as it was only once.

Well, I was young... or at least younger than I am now.  And my husband and I decided that since we were young and had no children that we should have as much fun as we could!  Taking spontaneous road trips, going out and doing stuff, and having sex every day!  And we had a blast!  Those were the days!

I remember it was now roughly August of 2000.  My husband pointed out that I needed to go to the gym because I put on a few pounds.  And I was off to the gym to try to stay in shape...but I was so tired.  I was tired all the time and no matter how much sleep I got...I was still tired...exhausted...spent.  My husband told me that I was being lazy and that if I got to the gym like I promised I would..then I would feel energized.

It wasn't working.

I had this friend at work, Amanda.  Everyday I came in with a new idea about what was wrong with me.  Maybe I needed more sleep...maybe I was anemic...maybe I should eat more protien...or more vegetables...maybe I needed a vacation or a daily vitamin.  Finally after a week she says "Maybe you should just go to the doctor!"  I think she got annoyed with my constant whining.

I had an appointment coming up with my GYN anyway and I figured she could run a test for anemia.

One of my jobs at the news station was to run the teleprompter.  This is what news anchors read while on the air.  Its kind of important...if you don't do it right the anchors look like deer in headlights.  I would read the screen along with them...if I couldn't see what they were reading, that meant they couldn't see it either so I had to make the text roll accordingly.  I had gotten so good at this that I could read along with them, adjust the text and plan the rest of my day in my head at the same time.

So the anchor was reading the news and in my head I was running down my symptoms....severe fatigue...weight gain...nausea...heart burn...disgust of chicken in all forms...increased appitite....OH SHIT.....

All of a sudden everything was going in slow motion and I tried to wrap my head around one thought:

"I'M KNOCKED UP!"

And I stood there...like a deer in headlights.

And so did the anchor because the text stopped dead in its tracks!  All of a sudden I heard the director SCREAMING into my headset, "JESUS CHRIST!! PROMPTER!!! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THE PROMPTER!!!!"

Later that afternoon I sat in my doctors office.  We did the usual GYN things.  And finally I said "I think I may be anemic because I'm not feeling well.  But....just to be sure...let's also do a pregnancy test...just to rule it out."

The doctor smiled...and gave me a look that said "Uh- huh...sure...lets just rule it out...ok...whatever you want to call it."

We did the test.  Three little drops of pee go into a little window of a test.  I was told that I would see a blue line form, that would mean the test was working.  If I saw a second blue line, it meant I was pregnant.

So I waited...and there was the first blue stripe..."Oh well, I didn't think I was pregnant anyway."  But my doctor said "Wait, you have to give it a minute."

So I waited.  And I saw a blue dot.  And another blue dot.  And another...and another..and all those dots formed a second blue line.

I was pregnant.

All those years I was told it was never going to happen for me.  And I was pregnant.  I had another human being living inside my body.  And I burst into tears.  I remember my doctor panicking asking me if this was a bad thing and telling me I had options.  But they were really happy, shocked tears. 

I was no longer damaged.

After I left the doctors office, I went to the bookstore and picked up a copy of "What to Expect when Expecting."  And then I went to the supermarket to buy fruits, vegetables, juices, vitamins, granola...all sorts of happy healthy things. 

In one instance I knew that what ever I put in my body would be shared with the little person inside of me.  A little person who was depending on my to do the right thing.  After all, I was this little persons mother and it was my job to do the right thing.

Now here's the thing...my pregnancy was full of complications and was high risk....any anyone who knew me at the time says that I did everything I could to bring my daughter into this world..to save her life.

But it was really my daughter who saved my life. 

Addiction runs in my family.  And I know now that I have the potential to be an outstanding alcoholic or drug addict.  Its just part of who I am and that's why I keep that part of me in check at all times.

I think that if I didn't get pregnant when I did, I would have gone ahead and tried all of those drugs.  And I would probably be a junkie right now...or dead.  But there was no way in hell I was going to put drugs in my body knowing I was pregnant with my child. 

So in that regard...

My daughter saved my life.